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Death of Mr. Squirrel
What death wishes do the red squirrels hold at Balboa Park? Are they are bummed about the transient population that frequents the area? Is it too many handouts of peanuts from little Billy spouting "momma give me a nut for the cute squirrel", only to have the plague infested tree rat chomp down on his finger? Or is it something deeper and darker? Well I had the opportunity to end of these suicidal squirrels life.
Balboa Park is a cute little riding area full of large red squirrels that bound from tree to tree and scurry merrily along the paths. The Redwood forest section has a particularly dense population.
This part of Balboa Park is like riding in Northern California. Large redwoods, dark hollows, pine needles littering the ground and the ever present squirrel. The dirt crew has been making a nice little trail loop through this redwood forest. The other day while jamming fast through the woods like Goldie Locks on crack one of the little forest dwellers decided that I'm his ticket to the Great Nut Patch in the Sky.
Now I've run over many things in life that can get caught in the spokes but this was a new one.
Picture this:
Troubled squirrel has a bad morning. Squirrel sees fast moving biker. Squirrel says "Live is not worth living anymore". Squirrel makes vector for selected biker. Squirrel gets closer. Squirrel inserts head into front spokes. Squirrel's head is firmly lodged in spokes. Squirrel's body is not. Squirrel's body gets wrapped up and under Manitou fork arch. Squirrel's body stretches to over maximum allowable length. Then the Sound:
POP! (Editorial note: is this where the song "Pop Goes the Weasel" came from?) I now have a beheaded squirrel as a new mojo stuck between the fork arch and the tire. Sweet he's doing a headless superman! The head has rolled clear. Macabre I know, yet kind of neat. I find a stick to pry out the remains. I blast the greasy stained area with water from the camelback.
As I do this I see many sets of eyes peering at me from the trees. For a moment I think I'm going to be jumped by the tree rat gang. Score: Howeler -1 Tree rats- 0 minus 1. Next time in the Redwood forest I'll be watching my back…them tree rats might be looking for vengeance. My cousin in Texas would say "them squirrels make good eatings" Question: should I keep my new mojo?
Posted by Howeler a 38 year old riding a Ewwww what's THAT? from Coronado on 07/16/01
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- Re: Death of Mr. Squirrel
that's fuking SICK, bro. don't do that again.
Posted by KevG on 07/16/01
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- Re: Death of Mr. Squirrel
Why do I feel so guilty while laughing?? I really don't know if the fashion world is ready for your mojo. I met you at Palm Cyn and you seem like a perfectly insane (and i should know) but nice dude, who wouldn't hurt another living thing on purpose. The "pop" seems to indicate a clean and quick end to this squirrel's chapter of evolution, and therefore the best of the worst for the bike ride amongst nature. I'd lose the head but not the story ;-?) That's just my opinion - and I could be wrong. . . . .
Posted by Gusitar  on 07/16/01
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- A link not to be missed by you. . . .
- Re: Death of Mr. Squirrel
- Re: Death of Mr. Squirrel
oh, man, i'm still laughing my ass off and i've read the entire thread! sorry for mr troubled squirrel but man that was a funny description of his bad day, especially the part when his "body stretches to over maximum allowable length." thanks for the howler, howeler!
Posted by DaBreeze on 07/16/01
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- Re: Death of Mr. Squirrel
Ewwww! Crazy squirrel! Maybe he was attracted to the shiny spokes? I wouldn't keep the mojo, unless you planned on a taxidermist for the head, as it may smell a little while. Can you imagine having "that smell" while climbing a long hot hill? BTW, had similiar encounter in the San Gabs last week, but it was with a quail that kept running down the trail in front of my bike. It seemed like an older bird, but he wouldn't vamoose to the side. I could've easily ran over him, but didn't. Let Mr. Quail bail, I say.
Posted by STP a 42 year old Cross-Country Rider riding a K2 Razorback from Palmdale on 07/17/01
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- one word for you son...
Taxidermy!
Aww, don't he look so lifelike there. Maybe you could some of them teeny tiny antlers and make up a squirrelalope. You might even get yuself on the TV, yesssirre-bob!
(Really, this taxi-derby, dead animal stuff gives me the creeps.)
Posted by Dan-oh on 07/17/01
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- Re: Death of Mr. Squirrel
Eh heheheheeee! Macabre as it may be that's just too damned funny. I had one of them too myself. Well, almost. I didn't whack the lil' bastard but for a split second I though he was a gonner. Silly rodent ran strait at my trusty GT I had then, got sucked between the Rockshok and the spokes, was promptly spat out and then continued to run along side my wheel for another 10 or 15 feet before he finnaly slowed down and cut left under me. First time I've ever seen a squirrel run sideways. Once saw a guy get a rabbit right in front of me on a DH. He didn't even know he cliped him and I got the aftermath as I was right behind him and haulin' ass. Well, hauling bit's o' bunny after that. Hey Vandeman, if you're reading this I hope you get reincarnated as a suicidal trail rodent some day ;^)
Posted by Chuqster on 07/17/01
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- Re: Death of Mr. Squirrel
Ummm...EW, YUCK, BLAH, BARF, and any other adjective that can describe something so disgusting!
My brother has a theory that this is a religious protest movement of squirrells everywhere. They are trying to martyr themselves under the wheels and shame us into driving (riding) more slowly.
"You know how that rabbit feels,
going under your spinning wheels.
Bright images flashing by,
like windshields towards a fly.
Frozen in that fatal climb...
but the Wheels of Time just pass you by."
Between the Wheels
Rush (lyrics by Niel Peart)
Posted by Tom Kenney a 33 year old Cross-Country Rider riding a Klein Attitude from Reseda, CA on 07/18/01
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- Re: Death of Mr. Squirrel
Hey Howeler, who are you...George Castanza? What happened to the contract we had with the squirrels????
Enjoyed the read...
Posted by Heckler riding a Stumpy FSR-XC on 07/18/01
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- Re: Death of Mr. Squirrel
Cant wait till the Sierra Cluber types read this post and copy and paste it to there site.
Posted by BULLIT riding a Santa Cruz Bullit on 05/26/03
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- Re: Death of Mr. Squirrel
Here's a suggestion then--stop replying to posts from 2001.
Posted by Surly a 28 year old Die-hard Enthusiast riding a '02 Giant AC from Pasadena on 05/26/03
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- Re: Death of Mr. Squirrel
Wierd, it was on the main page of current posts for me when i logged on today.
OOPS!
Posted by BULLIT riding a Santa Cruz Bullit on 05/26/03
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- Re: Death of Mr. Squirrel
 well its an old post but ironically in Spring 01,I was going down my daily, when this gray rabbitdarted in front of me and ended up dead. I apparentlyran over his side w/ my front tire. I stopped and walked back up and yeah, he was dead. I was hoping he wasjust in shock. I felt bad, but the little critter was hardto miss. Next day he was gone, I guess either a red tailed hawk or coyote got em.
Posted by Fatcat on 05/27/03
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- Re: Death of Mr. Squirrel
This past Saturday I was no more than three inches from that exact scenario. That is a nasty image.
Posted by SAK a 33 year old Cross-Country Rider riding a Klein Att Comp from Tujunga on 05/27/03
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